When Grief Comes Knocking
After a long and difficult day working as a high school nurse, I came home and as per usual, I fixed myself some supper. At the time, I was living alone in my apartment in Minneapolis. All of a sudden, I heard a very loud knocking on my locked apartment door. Reluctantly, I opened the door to find a male and a female police officer staring at me with blank faces. They asked if they could come in. Naturally, I said a feeble ‘Yes’ - wondering what had happened.
From there, they proceeded with very sad faces (and perhaps a tear or two) to inform me that my son had been found dead in his home in a nearby city. I (literally) fell on the floor, shouting, “No! No! No! - this isn’t real! - Am I dreaming?” I completely went into shock - trembling - sobbing - unable to breathe. As they lifted me to my feet and hugged me, they told me that the coroner was going to be calling me shortly and then asked who could they call to come and be with me. I responded by answering ‘my friend’ and gave them his number. He came immediately.
I have never experienced this kind of shock, pain, sadness, grief, etc. before - even though I had suffered loss before. This was VERY different. There is grief and then, there is deep grief. For a while, I just sat and stared into space. When the initial shock had worn off, I had the miserable task of calling my two other children and then my mom. I remember asking my children to ‘sit down’ as I have some very hard news to deliver. Jason’s brother (a pastor) and his sister (an artist) were absolutely devastated and sobbed on the phone.
My son died of positional asphyxiation while alone in his home. His friend found him slumped over while he was sitting in a chair - likely dead for 3 days. Next to Jason was an empty bottle of vodka and all of his diabetic ‘tools’, having newly been diagnosed with diabetes. His autopsy showed ‘no foul play, no signs of suicide, no drugs’, and listed on his death certificate was ‘positional asphyxiation likely due to diabetic coma and alcohol consumption.’ I was devastated - truly destroyed. I knew that Jason likely had a drinking problem, but I had no idea that it was this severe.
For 3 months straight, there wasn’t a single day that I did not cry. I cried a LOT - the kind of crying where you no longer have any tears left. I couldn’t return to work for a month. I felt physically ill and had what grievers call ‘brain fog’ (or griever’s fog)’ - the inability to focus and concentrate. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t sit to read. I wondered if I should just go to heaven too. My son was a believer and I knew that he was in heaven - but oh, the agony I felt. Jason was my firstborn and held a very special place in my heart. We had the privilege of working together in the high school where I worked for four years. I now see where that was a gift given to me in advance - memories that I will cherish forever.
Friends, I tell you this story because I honestly thought that I would never have joy again. Never experience peace again. Never be able to live again. That was three and a half years ago. God has been very faithful to pull me through this pain.
Notice I said - THROUGH this pain. Grief cannot be circumvented. We can’t go around it. We must go through it. The loss of a child is the worst pain that I have ever (or likely ever will) experience. It was gut-wrenching. I honestly am amazed that I am still standing today. I am so blessed to have a smile on my face once again. To have joy in my heart. To have found a purpose in my pain.
I did not go to counseling after all of this. I did not go to a grief group. Instead, I set up a private, closed Facebook grief group called ‘Healing after Loss’ and began reading, listening, and learning from other grievers who have experienced deep pain. I now Administer over 1200 members worldwide and have come full circle to encourage others with hope, help, and healing. It was through this grief experience of losing my son that I now offer others grief and loss coaching. God has been very good to me! My life service now is helping those who are ‘stuck’ to find joy, love, and peace once again. It is possible! When grief comes knocking on your door - and sadly, it likely will, answer it, heal from it and then help others. There’s no other way. Join my coaching classes to help you overcome - it is possible!